Things That Shouldn't Be on Vehicles, and Yet Are on Vehicles

 

10) Cat stuffed in trunk: Doesn't really bother me, but don't you let my Mom see this.

9) CDs: You're not fooling the radar gun; watch a Mythbusters from time to time.

8) Your political/religious views: So I'm a liberal hippie babykiller and I'm going to Hell. I get it. I don't care, but I get it. I'm guessing that you really don't want anyone to actually engage you in logical conversation over this, and I'm happy to oblige, but could you at least scrape off the "Bush/Cheney '04" sticker and get current?

7) Vanity plates: SPOKN4. CYA BYE. MY TOY. U WSH. 2FAST4U. QT(girl's name here).* Ih8u.

6b) Your car's model in six-inch letters on your windshield: We know it's a Sentra. It already says "Sentra" on the back, dude.

6a) Your name in six-inch letters on your windshield: No, we didn't know your name was Pablo or Chuck, but that's because we didn't care enough to ask.

5) Ridiculous tint: I'm sure the police appreciate such an overt invitation to pull you over, but I don't appreciate not being able to see oncoming traffic.

4) Dreamcatchers: Hmmmm...an Ojibwa construct meant to be hung above a child's bed, allowing the good dreams to slide down to the child but trapping the bad dreams in the net where they will be destroyed by the coming of the dawn sunlight. If that doesn't just scream, "Hang me on your rearview mirror!" I don't know what does.

3) The Confederate flag - Disregarding that the Confederacy stood for slavery, secession, and gray, it only existed for four freakin' years. Wow, that's a whole year longer than the USFL lasted! So take it off your hood, buddy...the "terrorist hunting permit" says it all. Although I do love the phrase "War of Northern Aggression."

2) Calvin peeing on whatever decal - I just don't feel strongly enough about the superiority of my Dodge to your Chevy, but if I did, I would certainly choose to express it by involving a beloved six-year-old cartoon icon's weenie. That's not creepy at all.

1) Dangling testicles: Answers the timeless question, "How can I best let the other drivers on America's roads know that I'm a douchebag without having to speak?"

* All real plates I've seen over the last few years.

Random Writing Thought from...Stephen King

First son, now father. Just keeping it in the family!

Random Writing Thought From...Joe Hill

(via Twitter)

"Repeat after me: I will not quit because I'm afraid of what my mom/friends/neighbors/priest will think of me if I write the next scene. Just strap on a pair and write it. They all secretly hate you anyway; I know, they told me."

Attention Wannabe Screenwriters...It's Script Frenzy Time!

Ever said, "You know, I have a really great idea for a screenplay" but never got around to actually writing it? Then April is the month for you. The same people who bring you the annual NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) "competition" want you to write 100 pages of original script from midnight 1April to midnight 30April.

Top Five Children's Shows Adults Can Watch

This is one for the parents or soon-to-be parents.Or babysitters. Whatever.

Kids, for lack of a better word, obsess over shows. This means that you're going to watch the same shows again, and again...and again. So, to help you maintain your sanity, here are the top five shows as I see them. I used subjective criteria like educational value, music, humor, and adult rewatchability, among others. You've probably heard of at least three of them, and there's one that everybody knows. Here we go:

My P90X Odyssey: Day 1

I'm sure that this is going to hurt in the morning.

So, I'm carrying a few extra pounds, and I decided to try the P90X workout. The first day is "Chest and Back" which actually means "60 minutes of Push-ups and Pull-ups." Save for a few back exercises, that's all there is, and it is brutal. The first half of the workout consists of a dozen or so exercises that alternate between variations of push-ups and pull-ups/back exercises. After you've fried yourself, you get  to do everything all over again, only in a different order. I could keep up on the back exercises, but the push-ups completely humbled me. The rational part of my mind knows that it will be worth it; the emotional part wanted to punch Tony Horton in his face, except there's no way I could have thrown a punch after the workout.

Here are the rest of my impressions:

"Sick Day"

This story was published on "Tales of the Zombie War" in April of 2008. Sorry for the formatting.

*click*
My name’s Lucas Gallagher, and if you’re listening to this, you’ve probably done a whole lot better than I did. It probably means that I failed myself and everyone I love miserably. But I want you to know that I tried. God, I tried.