Friday, July 16, 2010

Things That Shouldn't Be on Vehicles, and Yet Are on Vehicles


10) Cat stuffed in trunk: Doesn't really bother me, but don't you let my Mom see this.

9) CDs: You're not fooling the radar gun; watch a Mythbusters from time to time.

8) Your political/religious views: So I'm a liberal hippie babykiller and I'm going to Hell. I get it. I don't care, but I get it. I'm guessing that you really don't want anyone to actually engage you in logical conversation over this, and I'm happy to oblige, but could you at least scrape off the "Bush/Cheney '04" sticker and get current?

7) Vanity plates: SPOKN4. CYA BYE. MY TOY. U WSH. 2FAST4U. QT(girl's name here).* Ih8u.

6b) Your car's model in six-inch letters on your windshield: We know it's a Sentra. It already says "Sentra" on the back, dude.

6a) Your name in six-inch letters on your windshield: No, we didn't know your name was Pablo or Chuck, but that's because we didn't care enough to ask.

5) Ridiculous tint: I'm sure the police appreciate such an overt invitation to pull you over, but I don't appreciate not being able to see oncoming traffic.

4) Dreamcatchers: Ojibwa construct meant to be hung above a child's bed, allowing the good dreams to slide down to the child but trapping the bad dreams in the net where they will be destroyed by the coming of the dawn sunlight. If that doesn't just scream, "Hang me on your rearview mirror!" I don't know what does.

3) The Confederate flag - Disregarding that the Confederacy stood for slavery, secession, and gray, it only existed for four freakin' years. Wow, that's a whole year longer than the USFL lasted! So take it off your hood, buddy...the "terrorist hunting permit" says it all. Although I do love the phrase "War of Northern Aggression."

2) Calvin peeing on whatever decal - I just don't feel strongly enough about the superiority of my Dodge to your Chevy, but if I did, I would certainly choose to express it by involving a beloved six-year-old cartoon icon's weenie. That's not creepy at all.

1) Dangling testicles: Answers the timeless question, "How can I best let the other drivers on America's roads know that I'm a douchebag without having to speak?"

* All real plates I've seen over the last few years.